Orthodox Byzantine Chants
Holy Mount Athos
The day when we were to go home finally came. I thought that maybe now things would change. When I got in the house, my eyes looked around. Mmm, we had a pretty home! Let’s see my room. How could it be? But I didn’t have any room of my own. She took me to her room where it was my crib. She put me in, covered me and left.
I didn’t cry at all. I wanted to know the place. After I examined it enough, I got tired and fell asleep. When I woke up I cried so that my mummy would hear me. But there was no answer…I went on screaming and crying.
At a certain moment she came in annoyed. She took me in her arms and put her teat into my mouth. I was eating and looking closely at her. I was waiting for a smile from her. But in vain. After I ate, she held me in her arms for a while so that I would burp then she put me back in my bed and left. I didn’t like that at all, but I didn’t shed a tear. I simply felt a sharp pain in my heart cause of the lack of her love.
This happened every day. Many times she smelled of cigarette smoke and I could hardly breathe. Day by day we estranged more and more of each other. I tried to show her with my eyes that she didn’t love me, that I felt more and more coldness, loneliness, unsafety, but she couldn’t understand me. I wonder if all the grown-ups are like this? I started to be afraid. As for my father, I didn’t see him, cause when he came I was asleep. But the woman who gave birth to me was incapable to understand me.
Why did she give birth to me if she doesn’t want me? Why did she give birth to me if I am an obstacle in her life?
When I was looking for her and started to cry so that she would hold me softly in her arms, I heard her saying to my dad: Let her cry and she would stop in the end. They had no disposition to care about me and to see how much I suffered cause they left me look for their love.
How wrong you are, my sweet mummy! When I cry I have my own reasons. I don’t cry to annoy you. I cry cause it hurts me, or I am hungry or I am trying to see your face, hoping you would hold me in your arms and smile to me and stick my little face on your cheek, so that I would feel your breath. Then surely full of your love I would stop crying.
When you let me cry under the guise that I would get a bad habit if being in your arms, the only thing you manage to do is to make me recede after getting tired of looking for you.
You, mummy, have any idea what means that I recede? If not, I would explain it to you. I recede means that I stop looking for your love, I stop looking for your embrace, for your caress, for your warm gaze. And that’s cause you don’t want to love me! Cause you see me as an obstacle in your life, in your career. You simply gave birth to me cause you are afraid that when you’d grow old, you’d be alone, abandoned by everyone. Did you understand, mummy? You gave birth to me out of your fear, but you don’t think that just as you gave birth to me, without your love, I won’t be beside you when you’d be old but will send you to a care home instead, meaning that I will give you what you deserve. Do you understand, mummy?
And that’s because your mother didn’t love you either, she didn’t take you in her arms, she didn’t warm you with her breath. That’s why you didn’t love her. Did you really miss her embrace? Did you really miss her soft caress? Did you miss the words – I love you, my child? If you missed all these, why do you deprive me of them too? Why do you give me the same pain you had? Why, mummy dear?
Mummy, everything you give me, you’ll get it back in the same way. For this reason give me your love, so that you could be sure I won’t ever hurt you, I won’t ever betray you, you won’t ever be ashamed of your child. On the contrary, I will make you praise me. But what a pity, mummy! What you did was to estrange us. If you’d ever be ready to get to know and love each other I am ready to forgive you