Mamma’s mush

In the year 1947 I was 7 y.o. In June was born my sister Ecaterina. Because of hunger, mother had no more milk to feed her. But good hearted people did not leave us without aid. Mother could find some semolina, milk and saccharin and she made a very diluted mush from it. She put it in a small bottle and left it on the window sill to cool. After she went out of the room, although my tongue was burnt, I started to sip the 200 gr of sweetened drink.

After each sip hunger did not vanish, but in my soul appeared a feeling, at first very weak than turning into an unbearable pain. I realized I was doing something wrong, I was behaving like a thick-skinned person, I was a jerk because I had robbed my poor mother who was weakened by hunger and left a helpless creature, my sister, without any food but I went on sipping from the bottle though the mush had already finished.

After drinking all that mush from the bottle I put it back where it had been and I understood that it happened something irreparably wrong

I passed the psychological threshold and nobody could ever help me. I was overwhelmed by a deep feeling of shame. What have I done? I wished I could turned back the time. What to do then? Where to run? I was wondering. The burns from the mouth hurt me but what hurt even more was the fact that I did not see any escape from that situation.

The door squeaked. Neck or nothing, I thought. I cuddled down and bent my head feeling guilty.

Mother got in and saw me desperately upset. When she saw the empty bottle she understood everything. She got closer to me and put her hand on my head. She patted me. I looked at her shocked. I saw the dark circles under her eyes. I looked into those eyes so full of sadness, of boundless love and of hope. I saw in her eyes more than forgiveness. From her eyes were flowing down tears. In that moment time stopped and I felt I was plunging into another world, I was diving into eternity. I felt I became mature. Our eyes had a silent talk:

Mother, aren’t you upset at all because I have eaten all the mush? Have you forgiven me? I will never do this again.

And the eyes of my mother answered:

Forgive me son because I cannot provide you enough food. But I will do everything I can so that you won’t miss anything.

Then she said:

Your mother won’t leave you in times of trouble.

Iar pe urmă a spus cu glas:

The wheat is ripe. I’ll go and take some grains and give you to eat. I don’t care that the field is guarded. The watchmen won’t dare to stop me take some wheat spikes for you to eat. We shall survive my son. And you  will enjoy many good things in your life. You will have bread and many other things.

My mother died long time ago. I enjoyed in my life many good things indeed. I had bread and many other victuals. I sinned a lot and repented very little. Maybe I will come to celebrate the age of 70. There came the sunset on my life. My mind was not able to remember many of the events and facts that took place in my life but I always treasure in my heart my mother and her mush.

Most merciful God offered me the chance to visit many holy places – monasteries and sketes. And our church dedicated to the Cover of Theotokops became a spiritual home to me. When I sit on my knees in front of the icon of Theotokos asking her for help and protection, I look into her deep eyes and I recognize them. I saw them in my childhood. In them is hidden the same eternity.

They speak to me, they forgive me, they fill  me with peace and hope and when I bend my white haired head, I feel the thin hand of my mother  touching me gently as it was when I was a child.

The tears of a quiet and bright joy flow down from my old eyes. I feel protected. I feel I have my Mother with me. In such moments I feel that everything stops on the spot. I am happy! I kneel down before my mother over and over again, though she is not with me anymore and before the Mother of us all


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