I hope I will always repent with the help of your grace to sweeten your heart saddened by me

As I have told you before I consider that it is of my duty as a father to teach you the method and the rule of vigil so that this may be spiritually fruitful. I will read to you what I wrote and this will help you make an idea about it:

Blessed be the Name of our Kind God !

Today I`ve tried to communicate with the invisible God by forgetting everything is created, everything material, felt and thought. I wanted, I longed that this endeavor may be blessed by the Creator of everything. Everything vanished, everything was forgotten as if it had never existed.

I got in the zone, on the trajectory of the invisible, of the impenetrable. The soul, the heart always had the prayer as a helm, as a compass and as a vigilant and protecting power.

Oh, the mind sees and comes to know so many things when it is in the atmosphere and at this height of God! Peace, silence…The sweet abundant tears and the confession of the heart show that the mind is on the right path. Up there above what amazes it is the greatness of God! Due to the amazement caused by the revelations relating to the knowledge of God the words are lost and the mind remains speechless marveling at God Who is beyond any power of understanding. God is the good cause of everything but peerlessly above everything. Someone may say a few or more words but it is never possible for the man to understand God with his mind. However He is not hidden, He reveals Himself to those who despise the impure ones, who rise above the pure ones, which surpass the height of holiness.

I think about Moses. First he purified himself and purified the people and afterwards he heard the echoing trumpets, he saw the dazzling lights, he entered the cloud of the unknown which is above any brightness and his face was so much brightened that his people couldn`t look at him because of his brightness and for this reason he had to cover his face with a veil.

But the hermits…with the new grace they always found themselves with their prayer in the atmosphere of God.

These are the high contemplations which overwhelm the mind and subdue the human intellect.

There I made a pause. I stood up and went to the window for a physical and mental change.

And there I saw the shining moon, the stars scattered in the sky, everything was grace and beauty. I watched them over and over again and I could not get tired of it. How many things they tell about God. When the stars were created the angels out of their great joy and amazement for the wisdom and power of God cried loudly it says somewhere at Job. I think about their weight, about their volume, as solid bodies, at their wonderful and amazing ministry. Millions of celestial bodies stand in a vacuum with the power and Providence of God. All the stars with their beauty and grace are proud, speak aloud about the most obvious and most brilliant existence of God.

Now my thoughts go towards the man. The man, God`s most refined creature, God`s breath, is born in this world and he slowly dies one day physically not being able to remain alive. His imagination makes him swallow like a balloon which cause of a disease as if prickled by a needle, explodes and is vanished. He has no command over himself and he is led without understanding that by another will and he behaves unwillingly absolutely helpless to oppose. But what are you man to be proud thinking great things about yourself. Here an invisible microbe attacks you and you immediately lose your good disposition, you get sick and die. Mortal man you see death coming and know you are going to another country and you obey that without saying a word against it. Could you oppose and get rid of what happens in that frightening moment? No way! Helplessness and despair!

But despite this unshaken reality the wretched man in his anger blasphemes His Creator and God for insignificant things and becomes loathing and deplorable. God sees him, listens to him as a loving Father, endures him and continues to love him and take care of him. `Oh, the depth of richness of God`s love! I praise You my Father that You always prove Yourself great and lovable.

The break refreshed my soul and since I see that I have some more time I continue my vigil. I sat down on the earth and continued my prayer which refreshed me with the bright knowledge of God. I was amazed by the benefit of the vigil. And another time during the vigil I said:

`How many thanks I owe you my Lord because you made me worthy to speak with You waking up in the night in this peaceful atmosphere to have such holy encounters. Today my Kind Father I thank You more than any other time because You drew my attention to my callousness.

Searching my soul thoroughly I confess that it was perfectly useful to me, I don`t even have the right idea about how much it was. I believed in You formally and confessed You and felt You. That is why I have such a burdened path.

Oh my Lord and my sweet Father how much I ignored You in these long years! And how patient You were with me. How much You tolerated me. Why would I sadden You with my formalism, when I am the most humble of all creatures. I am amazed of Your boundless love! How didn`t You become disgusted of me and loved me when I didn`t love You and didn`t feel you faithfully my Father? You are by excellence my Father, my Creator, not my parents. They were only the organs of Your will. You made me man, You brought me to life, You take care of me in a wondrous way. Everything You made in the world You created for my happiness. I live and I move and I exist due to Your loving will. Everything depends on You. But it`s not only about the earthly ones which You give me abundantly, You have also prepared in heavens `What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard and what no human mind has conceived`[1].

But what could I say about Your Incarnation, about Your death on the Cross and about the divine communion of Your Flesh and Blood and about all Your Love which is incomprehensible for my mind? Shame covered my face remembering these. I fell into Your arms thoughtfully and cried. I shed tears of repentance asking to be forgiven for my heathen heart. I hope to repent permanently with the help of Your grace to sweeten Your heart saddened by me. If all these are done I think the heart of God the Father will open and will reward mine with divine kindness and love. My Lord I thank you for everything!

Bless me again to come back…And may the prayers of my elder – who is worthy of all the heavenly blessings – reach me and save me of the eternal spiritual death. I thank You my Lord. May the Name of the Triune God be blessed forever and ever!

[1] 1 Corinthians 2, 9.

Excerpt from the book The Art of Salvation published by Editura Evanghelismos.

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